Things I Wish I Understood

How a man can make it through high school, graduate from college, start up his own company, yet still cannot perform the simple set of calculations required to know it is three hours later at my house than at his, and the phone call he's about to make is only going to wake me up from a sound sleep, piss me off, and result in my hanging up on him.

Why guys can't say anything nice about each other to girls, no matter what. Even if the guy I'm asking about is St. Peter himself, and the man I'm asking is happily married to a supermodel, he'll still tell me how horrible Petey is and how that story he told me about his being an apostle is really just a cover for the hooker operation he's running to fund his drug habit.

If the new Pope actually resembles Count Olaf from that Lemony Snicket movie, or if I'm just equally creeped out by both. Something about the eyes…

How an otherwise normal person can carry on an intelligent, fifteen-minute conversation and never notice the theme from the A-Team is blaring from somewhere inside their pants.

How I'm supposed to carry on an intelligent, fifteen-minute conversation with someone while their pants continue to blare the theme from the A-Team.

Why I'm so tired. Oh wait, I know. Early morning phone call.