Face it -- there's no woman in America who wouldn't want to be her and there's no heterosexual man in America who wouldn't want to do her, and chances are there's a huge number of either gender who'd donate a favorite appendage to attain both.
What is truly astounding is that most of what makes her so perfect is impossibly real (and as far as I know, impossible to replicate in silicone), and therefore must be the result of the blessedly generous DNA mix of her rather ordinary looking (and in Voight's case, I'm being kind) parents.
+ 
=
?I have seen thousands of less attractive people result from far more portentous unions. The odds that left the rest of us with Aunt Rose's big thighs, Grandpa's giant schnoz, or dad's second cousin's chicken lips suddenly converged in divine harmony over the zygote that would be Jolie and blessed her with better than the best of what both parents had to offer. The rest of us are left sucking in our cheeks and pouting our lips at our arbitrarily unexceptional reflections, wondering if plastic surgery could advance to the full-facial transplant stage in our lifetime.
The only explanation I can imagine is the one I use to rationalize Madonna's Billboard longevity, Bill Gates' technological clairvoyance and Richard Gere's entire film career. I believe she made a deal with the devil in exchange for her immortal soul somewhere around 8 or 9, just before her first documented red-carpet appearance. I believe before that, she was a stringy-haired, muddy-complected, myopic fat kid who made it clear to the nether-powers-that-be she'd do anything to be hotter than Elizabeth Taylor, Brigitte Bardot, and Marilyn Monroe all smushed together. She bartered eternal damnation for a lifetime of pillow-lipped, sloe-eyed, feline sexual power, and the man downstairs saw an opportunity he couldn't pass up.
I'm telling you, it's the only truly plausible answer; even the devil wants to do Angelina Jolie.
No comments:
Post a Comment